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In her review of the SNES action-RPG Lagoon retro gaming bigwig FlyingOmelette said "if you've heard anything about Lagoon, chances are, this is what you've heard: Your sword has a ridiculously short range."

That is certainly true, and to my mind, it's enough reason to leave this Legend of Mana-wanna-be on the shelf.

I don't usually brag about my video gaming prowess, but thanks to my impatience with JRPGs (J-action-RPGs?) in general, and pretentious or barely-interactive "intro" sequences specifically, I'd already found a half-dozen good reasons to give up on this game before you even find a sword*

Let's look at the first several reasons to keep Lagoon gathering dust with your copy of, say, Breath of Fire II:

...which manages to have no dialog, yet still be confusing, cliched and nonsensical.

Because of the cut-scene's silence, I'll have to caption these images myself:

After that, the gem in your sword-hilt flashes brightly, bringing up the title screen.

Actually, maybe THAT'S why your character has such horrible reach with his sword: he has to keep it within a few inches of his torso, or else it will reset the game to the title screen!

The following image may disturb you.

Yes, that wizened face, with its disturbing cud-chewing "talking" animation, belongs to your mentor/benefactor/parent-guardian in the world of Lagoon.

As much as the "standard Anime face" look bothers me, this hideous oaf is worse. They've combined a fuzzy-coat-and-Confederate-soldier-cap with ears that would make a luna moth blush and eyebrows you could use for hang-gliders.

Top it all off with a pair of misaligned crossed eyes, and you've got the portrait of a dottering simpleton. Why, the next thing you know, he'll start writing extended mockeries of twenty-year-old games that everyone else has (quite sensibly) forgotten about!

So, your first challenge in Lagoon involves pressing a button on the controller when the title screen comes up. Having achieved that Herculean effort, Crazy Confederate Luna-Moth-Eared Cud-Chewing Man holds forth on your seminal mission into the world of Lagoon. Let's listen!

So...uh, that's it then?

No prophecy? No village being razed? The character's parents haven't even been killed, for cryin' out loud.

No indeed, my mission (if I choose to accept it -- and let's face it, the alternative probably involves sitting around in the company of that terrifying bear-hide-wrapped octogenarian), is to see what's been churning up the silt in Lakeland. Not since the powerful Saturday Night Live skit, "Something Smells Good in Stinktown," has such a tragedy befallen an ironically-named town.

While this senile Russian Confederate Yoda guy thinks it's a sign of something evil, it seems like it could just be a backed up septic tank. Though if that's true, I guess his description is relatively astute.

It turns out I took up all my writing time just griping about the pre-game sequence. So I'll have to wait until NEXT week to explain how there's plenty of turn-off-the-game factor to Lagoon before you even buy your first butter knife of a sword.